𓇼seacielo

Official Backup

Official Backup

Dear Fr F,

I hope I see you Monday. I am just embarrassed about the last time. I have no choice to see you on Monday, because I need to confess. I’d make it short. Have I scared you the last time? Perhaps scarred? I hope you are alright.

I went to the healing mass in Dianella. It was not a good experience. It was traumatising, instead. I went downhill from there in every aspect of my being. For instance, last night, I was so angry and hateful against everything, including God. I lost my hope and trust in Him. I started to become hopeless and helpless. I cry every night these days.

I have a theory — it’s not demonic. I do not have any legions of demons possessing me. However, I believe the possession is caused by my sisters, the aborted and miscarried, not to mention my little girl that I miscarried. Although, I am confused about the girl who is tied in the corner. Now, she looks possessed. Perhaps that is why I am sort of conscious during the deliverance. I know what is going on. It is like I’m observing during whole occasion.

I think I know why I’ve cried during the prayers. Is it safe that it was either or both of my sisters? Honestly, I don’t really know where I fit in all these lifelong events. Do I really exist as myself alone? Maybe I am that girl tied in the corner. My sisters restrain me most of my life. I do not understand anymore. Is it even me writing you? I feel like I have a mental illness? But, do I really have one? Or, am I really possessed? Am I paying the sins of my parents? Of my ancestors? I’m the sacrificial lamb, so do speak? Is that it? What I have told you is not even a percent of my ordeal?

Just so maybe it is the reason why I’ve gone wild and screaming, when I went to the Philippines. Also, maybe it is the reason why I insist that I am not my parents’ child.

Here is another theory — Because my mother seek out the occults. Yasmine (She has given me a name since I am planning to have a naming and consecration mass.), the aborted sister, from another mother, has taken residence in me. I mean, if she is a spirit lost, trying to find her mother. She is yearning for love. Perhaps, she is taken it out on me and my life.

I feel like a beggar of love all my life. Get this, I do not even want a relationship. I just want to sit with another person that I like the energy of. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t married, or come here, my life is less dramatic. I do not have to ruin the lives of my children. I know, I have a pathetic life. I couldn’t keep my promise to God. I fail and fall from His Grace everyday. I am only good at wasting everything He has given me.

This is going to be the last time. When I come to you, I make my confessions short. Actually, I have been meaning to ask you to be my spiritual adviser and confessor. But now, I feel I am going to be a burden. Maybe just a confessor?

But then again, the last few days, God said somethings to me from the Scriptures —

𓇼seacielo

#existentialism