Every Day War
Every Day War
Dear Fr2x,
I hope you are having a wonderful holiday. I haven’t been to the chapel lately. I am avoiding people. I am strategically staying clear of their demons.
As you can see, I take spiritual warfare seriously. I just do not get most people call it a delusion. Is it? I mean, am I being delusional? But the books I read tell me otherwise. I am normal. Because if I am not, they might as well call the saints delusional. Actually, I examine the accounts of their lives — same as Jesus. Preach, cast away demons, and heal. Then there is the eventual death for God’s sake.
Although I am not sure that I am doing the above-mentioned, but I am sure I am experiencing oppression. When it happens, I always hide and pray it away.
My prayer lately is asking for divine strength. In my heart, I want to decipher the Word vís-a-vìs spiritual warfare. I want to master navigating the spirit world: find lost souls and pray for them; find demons and destroy them.
However, the idea of being part of a community and being with other people gets me. Does God needs me to be alone? If I recall, I lose those people who loved me dearly. People who I am sync with. I have lost them to distance, and well, to death. It feels like my God is a jealous God. For example, if I get excited for a reason about someone I have met, it is as if that feeling has never happen. The more I pine for the person, because I have found a kindred spirit, the more I see them slowly drifting away into a nonexistent memory.
Even a superficial friendship does not cut at all. I end up being used. I do not like this kind of companionship because they make me sin: gossips, lies and encourage my anger. Sometimes, they distresses me because they think they can bully me to doing something for them. By the way, I keep humility at bay. I do give them the benefit of a doubt. Yet, the way it feels is so heart-wrenching. This keeps happening throughout my life. I rather spend my time praying or reading, or writing. These things give me joy and purpose.
Is it God doing this to me? I mean, is He giving permission to the devil to taunt me, and measure my fealty to Him?
I do not doubt God. I doubt my self of such perceptions.
I love my new simple life. If only God would heal me completely immediately, and as if this disease has never happened. Still, little glories matters as much as life-altering miracles.